I dug up some old emails I saved in the past for offline reading. The replies to the threats are all non-fiction - that is, they are real. I'd thought I would share these threat emails with you (I don't mean to laugh at those who wrote the threats - just that the replies to the threats are so funny!) Here goes (they are very long and at least threats from more than 5 companies):
> We represent Apple Computer, Inc. On or before April 21, 2005, the> site
http://www.censored/ was in the process of distributing and/or> facilitating the distribution of a misappropriated copy of an> unreleased version of Apple's operating system software, Tiger 10.4,> Build 8A428. The software constitutes an Apple trade secret and is> copyrighted.
Awh, come on, I've heard the expression "a few bad apples", but this isjust ridiculous.
> Apple has a well-known, longstanding policy of closely guarding> information about its unreleased products as trade secrets.
I've heard that before somewhere. I just can't remember where...
> Apple further demands that you provide us with all information> relating to the posting of XXXXXX enabling the distribution of Mac> OS X Tiger, Build 8A428, including all log files and tracker files> associated with such XXXXXXXXXXs. Apple also demands all information> related to the identity of the persons who created such XXXXXXXXXX files> and/or who uploaded the software referenced by those XXXXXXXXXX files, as> well as the identities of all individuals who participated in the> uploading and downloading of Apple's software. If you fail to> maintain the evidence of this illegal activity, you will be subject to> severe sanctions. In particular, if you destroy or hide any evidence,> you will be subject to civil and criminal penalties. Please produce> all requested information by the end of the day, Friday, April 22,> 2005.
Even if we had that information, which we don't, do you really think wewould provide it to you?
> Builds of unreleased Apple software are distributed under strict> confidentiality agreements. Your XXXXXXXXXX site appears to be engaged> in a practice of soliciting and disseminating Apple trade secrets.> This practice is grounds for both civil and criminal liability. To> avoid further liability, you must refrain from inducing the breach of> any Apple confidentiality agreements, soliciting Apple trade secrets,> and distributing Apple trade secrets on your site.
...Or what? You and Hans Brix will send us angry letters? Fortunately for you, we don't keep sharks as pets.
> Apple is prepared to take further actions to stop the sites illegal> activities, and Apple expressly reserves its rights. I am available> to discuss this matter at any time. If you are represented by counsel> in this matter, please provide me with the identity of that counsel.
Instead of simply recommending that you sodomize yourself with aretractable baton, let me recommend a specific model - the ASP 21". Theprevious lawyers tried to use a cheaper brand, but it broke during theaction.
> > Sincerely, > > Lawyer's name> Law firm name> Embarcadero Center West> 275 Battery Street, Suite XXXXX> (415) XXXXX (direct)> (415) XXXXX (fax)>
XXXXX@XXXXX.com> > This message and any attached documents contain information from the> law firm of XXXXXX LLP that may be confidential and/or> privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you may not read,> copy, distribute, or use this information. If you have received this> transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply> e-mail and then delete this message.
It's OK with you that we post this message on
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxx/ ? Because I just did, and I'm soafraid of you and your nice titles and shiny offices :-(
> It has been brought to the attention of Electronic Arts Inc. ("EA") that> the website
http://xxxxxxxxxxxx/ with the IP addresses of> , , is conducting> unauthorized activities with respect to EA's copyrighted software, The> Sims 2. The aforementioned website is offering and distributing> XXXXXXXXXX for an unauthorized downloadable version of this EA> game.>> The infringing material may be found at:>>
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx/>>
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx/>
Hello and thank you for contacting us. We have shut down the website inquestion.
Oh wait, just kidding. We haven't, since the site in question is fullylegal. Unlike certain other countries, such as the one you're in, we havesane copyright laws here. But we also have polar bears roaming thestreets and attacking people :-(
> This unauthorized activity with respect to the distribution of EA's> software products constitutes infringement of EA's intellectual property> rights. EA enforces its intellectual property rights very aggressively> by using every legal option available.
Please don't sue us right now, our lawyer is passed out in an alley fromtoo much moonshine, so please at least wait until he's found and doesn'thave a huge hangover...
>> As you are listed as the registrant for this website, EA demands that> you immediately and permanently disable access to the aforementioned> XXXXXXXXXX for The Sims 2 and any in the future.
You're free to demand anything you want. So are we. We demand that youcease and desist sending letters like this, since they're frivolous andmeaningless. Where should I send the bill for the consumed diskspace andbandwidth?
Our guess, since you did not provide us with adequate information onwhich laws and regulations that you feel are violated, is that you arereferring to 'Directive 2001/29/EC of the European Parliament and of theCouncil of 22 May 2001 on the harmonisation of certain aspects ofcopyright and related rights in the information society'. Whether or notthis act does indeed state that the information contained in '.torrent'files is a violation of the authors' intellectual rights or not is oflittle importance in the case at hand. The act does not have directeffect and calls upon the member states to take appropriate action inorder to protect the rights refered to in the directive.
Obviously the Swedish government, to this date, considers that it has doneso and that all rights are protected under the current Swedishlegalizlation. And as stated above our activity on the site in questionand on our servers are not in violation of Swedish law. As law-abidinggood upstanding citizens we do not question our wise government's policy.
As you may or may not be aware, Sweden is not a state in the United Statesof America. Sweden is a country in northern Europe.Unless you figured it out by now, US law does not apply here.
For your information, no Swedish law is being violated.
Please be assured that any further contact with us, regardless of medium,will result ina) a suit being filed for harassmentb) a formal complaint lodged with the bar of your legal counsel, forsending frivolous legal threats.
It is the opinion of us and our lawyers that you are ....... morons, andthat you should please go sodomize yourself with retractable batons.
Dear XXXXXX,
Please sue me in Japan instead. I've always wanted to visit Tokyo.Also, I'm running out of toilet paper, so please send lots of legal documentsto our ISP - preferably printed on soft paper.No, but seriously. That's simply not how international law enforcementworks. Using the same logic, a country where web sites are forbidden couldpress charges against you for having one.
You have scored 10 out of 10 points on our Legal Threats Entertainmentscale. You win the grand prize: A lifetime of ridicule on our legalthreats section (
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx/) !Congratulations!
> We would refer you to our notification of yesterday's date regarding> the above, the contents of which are self-explanatory (hereinafter> referred to as the "Notification"), to which we have yet to receive> the courtesy of a response.
We would like to refer you to our Legal Threats section, on which we, while having much fun, ridicule people like you. Thank you for your contribution.
> Notwithstanding the fact that you contend that XXXX hosting is> legal in Sweden (which we would dispute),
...and I would like to refer you to the relevant court cases.Unfortunately, our legal team partied quite heavily last night, so theonly reference I can provide you with is Högsta Domstolen (the SwedishSupreme Court) NJA I 1996 page 79.
> you also seem to fail to recognise that your web-site is accessible> all over the world and that, as such, your actions and, furthermore,> your refusal to act, opens you and your company up to the possibility> of law suits in - inter alia - the United States and the United> Kingdom. Such law suits could result in your being refused entry to> both the US and the UK
Damnit. You got us there. Now I'm so scared I pissed my pants. Whereshould I send the invoice for cleaning them?
> Accordingly we would strongly recommend that you immediately comply> with the Notification, failing which we shall be obliged to advise our> clients' attorneys to take against your company (and your company> officers) without further notice.
Wow, we have something in common! See, I also have obligations of myown. For example, I'm obliged to provide entertainment to our users.
> We would also warn you that, if such steps do prove to be necessary,> our clients' attorneys would also (a) notify the Swedish tax> authorities of your commercial activities,
You mean our non-commercial, loss-generating activities?
> (b) notify the Swedish government of your illegal activities, (c)> notify the Swedish record industry association of your pirate> activities and (d) notify the IFPI of your piracy activities.
Do you seriously believe that these parties aren't already aware of thesite? You may want to read Swedish media...
> We shall look forward to hearing from you.
We look forward to receiving more of your so exquisitely designed HTML e-mails with the shiny wanna-be-police-star.
> Whilst writing, we would further caution you against communicating> or otherwise posting any remarks that could be construed as being> defamatory of our clients (or Web Sheriff) or that could otherwise be> injurious to our clients' (or our) genuine business interests.> Similarly, we would inform you that the copyright in the Notification> and, indeed, this e-mail is vested in Web Sheriff and that, in the> event that you attempt to publish either the Notification or this> e-mail on your web-site (or elsewhere), appropriate action shall be> taken for infringement of our copyright (we trust, in this regard,> that you will concur that Sweden does recognise copyright).
We trust, in this regard, that you will concur that publishing your e-mail is not in violation of Swedish copyright law. When our lawyer's hangover has passed, he will be more than happy to explain the juicydetails to you.
> Naturally and notwithstanding the foregoing, all accumulated rights> of our clients - including, but not limited to, the right to institute> proceedings against your company in the United States - remain> strictly reserved.
You also have the right to institute sodomizing of yourself. Preferablywith barbed wire, but retractable batons might also work if you pushthem far enough.
> Yours sincerely,> > WEB SHERIFF
I wanna be a cool WEB SHERIFF when I grow up. Do I get a shiny star anda six-shooter?
> Som en följd av vårt tidigare brev till er, där ert svar lämnar> mycket I övrigt att önska, har vi rekommenderat våra klienter att> genom juridiska ombud föra lagliga åtgärder mot Pirate Bay, deras> ägare och personal pa flera åtals punkter. Alla laga åtgärder kommer> att utan begränsningar amfatta skadestånd och åberopas övriga lagrum> enligt IFPI och Svenska lagar.> > Vi kommer att hålla ärendet öppet I förmån för alla våra klienter.
Dear John (no, not Wayne),before attempting to threathen us in Swedish, either hire a realtranslator (instead of Babelfish), or at least take a Swedish course. Ican highly recommend
http://www.slayradio.org/mastering_swedish.php,which will teach you the finer nuances of the Swedish language.
> IMMEDIATELY REMOVE ALL XXXXXXXXXXX FILES OF BILLY CORGAN's UNRELEASED> MATERIAL PLANNED FOR RELEASE ON WARNER BROS. RECORDS, INC. THE> FOLLOWING LINK AND ALL BILLY CORGAN DOWNLOADS MUST BE COMPLETELY> REMOVED:> >
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx/> (see below)
Sorry, but I can't remove search.php - our users would get upset if XXXXXXsuddenly lacked a search function.
The problem here seems to be that the material is unreleased? If that isthe case, you can easily fix the problem by releasing it. We'll be morethan glad to help you distribute it - free of charge! - to our users.
> 3. I may be contacted at:> > Printed Name: Dorothy Sherman> Title: Consultant> Company: XXXXX Records, Inc.> Address: XXXXXX> Attn: Susan Genco, Esq.> > Email (correspondence):
GrayZone@XXX.com> Telephone: 212 XXXXXXXXXX> > > You should understand that this letter constitutes notice to you that> the sale and/or other distribution of this product is unauthorized.> This letter> does not constitute a waiver of any right to recover damages incurred> by virtue of any such unauthorized activities, and such rights as well> as> claims for other relief are expressly retained.
You should understand that your email and all further communication with us will be published at http:?/XXXXXXXXXX/legal.php , and that we will charge you for the web publishing and hosting services. Should I send the invoice to your address above?
> Finally, notwithstanding our use of the required notice form, we> believe that http:?/XXXXXXXXXX 's activities and services fall> outside the scope of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act ("DMCA").> Our use of this form, as required by law, is meant to facilitate> http:?/XXXXXXXXXX 's removal of the infringing product listed> above and is not meant to suggest or imply that> http:?/XXXXXXXXXX 's activities and services are within the> scope of the DMCA.
Wow, that's a lot of text to read. You like to brag, don't you? "I am the owner","I am the president" and so forth. That's very nice. We don't really care.I'm the president of my make-believe country The Pirate Islands. Oh, and I'm theowner of my old Peugeot 205 (1989 year model) as well. Once we filmed that carwhile I was driving. I guess I'm the owner of those tapes as well. So we haveALOT in common! That's nice. But you brag about it, that's so not cool! :(
We are well aware of the fact that our site
http://wwxxxxx/ falls outside thescope of the DMCA - after all, the DMCA is a US-specific legislation,and we're hosted in the land of vikings, reindeers, Aurora Borealis andcute blonde girls.
>XXXXXXXXXXX.com has posted and is permitting downloads of an illegal>electronic version of MY VIDEO ON The AntiChrist and a Cup of Tea at this
http://www2.blogger.com/
They are? I seriously doubt that they actually posted that XXXXXXXXXX. I guess someof those fellons using that evil site posted it, darn :(
>. You may contact me, the complaining party, here:
>>XXXXXXXXXX>Phone: 303-XXXXXXXXX (XXXXXXXX House) or 720-XXXXXXXX (my personal cell>phone number)
>E-Mail:
email1@XXXXXXXXXXx.com
>XXXX House, Inc.>P.O. Box XXX>Aurora, XXXX>USA
Hey wait a minute, this isn't a Copyright claim now is it? This looks more like a personal ad! How about checking out some of the local press instead of tryingto pick up people in other continents? Actually, being in different countries (even on different continents) means that we don't have the same laws here. You know, in Sweden, it's still legal to do a lot of things. Elks can have sexwith each other without being prosecuted for instance. And people are allowedto copy. It's quite natural, both of them, don't you think?
>ALL INFORMATION PROVIDED BY ME, XXXXXXXXXXXXXX, IN THIS EMAIL>MESSAGE TO PRQ.se IS STATED UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY. I AM THE LEGAL>AND REGISTERED COPYRIGHT HOLDER AND OWNER OF THE ANTICHRIST AND A CUP OF>TEA BOOK AND ALL MATERIALS RELATED TO IT, TO INCLUDE VIDEOS, DVDS, CDS,>ETC. THIS COMPLAINT IS GENERAL TO ALL VIDEO AND AUDIO MATERIALS IN>WHICH I APPEAR OR PARTICIPATE THAT ARE RELATED TO THE ANTICHRIST AND A>CUP OF TEA.
Bla bla bla.. those big letters again. Brag, brag, brag..
>So, in this section, I have a) provided PRQ.se with the necessary>electronic signature, b) I have identified the infringed work to which I>hold the copyright as the book entitled, The AntiChrist and a Cup of Tea>AND ALL VIDEO AND AUDIO MATERIAL RELATED TO IT IN WHICH I APPEAR OR AM>HEARD, c) I have provided PRQ.se with the precise location on>XXXXXXXX's site where XXXXXXXX is permitting the world>to download an illegal electronic version of my VIDEO ON The XXXX>and a XXXXX(i.e.,
http://XXXXXXXXXX/details.php?id=3439729>), d) my complete contact information as the complaining party, e) my>good faith statement that my personal copyright of The XXXX and a>XXXXX VIDEO ITEM is being infringed by both XXXXXXXX and>PRQ.se, and f) my penalty of perjury statement that I am the legal and>registered copyright owner of the said book and related materials as well.
In sweden we had a cool tv-show once. It was called "Vi i femman" (meanssomething like "we in the fifth grade") and it was a lot like your letter.People answer questions about meaningless stuff. I'd like to answer like them!
On a) our answer is; "pannkaka" (google for it), and on b) we answer "congratulations".Regarding c) our answer would have to be "hope you like the site" and on d) "we understand your desperate needs".Wow, a lot of questons, let's continue:Our answer on both e) and f) is that we don't really have any faith in you, nordo we actually believe that you are who you say you are. Can you pleasesend us a signed picture of yourself?
As a bonus answer on d) we would like to help you out, we understand thesevere problem you must have finding other men like yourself when you actuallytry to hook up with random people in another continent like this!So please go to
http://XXXXXXXXXX/ and login. We have a quite largeporn section I guess, and since we are of such high moral we actually filterthe section for non-logged in users. So register (it's free!) and check it out!
>2. It is now PRQ.se's legal responsibility to to remove or disable>access to
http://xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx/ , where my>copyrighted WORK is being infringed. Further, should this material be>posted again on XXXXXXXX's site, while PRQ.se is>XXXXXXXX's hosting service, we will be obliged to take legal>action against both parties at that time.
Uuuuuhh.. no it's not. We don't infringe on anything, now you're getting a bittoo personal here! We might start to cry when you threaten us, and we don'thave anyone to take care of us. Is that your mighty plan?
PS! Plz also stop calling us, check
http://www.telehomo.se/ to see why.
Labels: cease and desist, copyright infringement, distribution, funny emails, hosting, intellectual property, legal disclaimers, legal threats
